God knows who “God is”
Padayappa is a ‘man of words’, Alagesh is a ‘man of beauty’ but Kartik has always been termed as a ‘man of excuses’. Excuses had ruled my life and an outing to the beach with friends was also a rescheduled plan to accommodate me and my pathetic excuses.
It was a very fine weekend and we had reached the beach in the evening by 4pm.I could see couples more than what a pair of eyes could take and they were busy enjoying each other not bothered about others, covering their faces as that was the easiest identification tool. We with our faces open were almost a minority in that long beach which stands next to Rio de Janeiro for its length.
As we moved forward in the hot sand, we started searching for good places to pose and the cameras started clicking. It was awkward standing and posing on the beach as thousands were looking at us with a unanimous thought that it was a waste of camera memory. We were determined to use the complete memory card by just posing in all permutations available and were not aspiring for a spot in the Pirelli Calendar as the basic criterion for that is ration in the form of fashion (Hand Kerchief – maximum dress allowed to pose). We didn’t own the style of Rajnikanth, the fame of Kamal Hassan, elegance of Aishwarya Rai nor the assets of Pamela for the world to look at our portraits but we simple guys just wanted to have the thrill of uploading our pictures in Facebook for all to have a laugh looking during depressing moments. Even the beggars weren’t left out of the posing act as they were also among us in the photographs making us look like genuine philanthropists.
The camera time was over and it was time to unleash ourselves into the water world. My return to the shore was not an easy task as I was a few kilos heavier as I had smuggled sand in all my pockets as a token of memory. While returning I felt that I should sit and spend some time thinking about myself. I sat on the shore alone looking at the beautiful waves and was just pondering who this “God” was. I believed in him till 17, forgot about him after that and had a miserable life questioning him, losing my humility, self confidence and all other good traits. I was considered to be one of the guys who could balance things in the best possible manner and could dedicate good amount of time with everyone and everything without affecting the course of anything. I could run so many parallel lines of activities without any intersections. All the systems failed and when my mind was in a ventilator kind of a situation fighting for life, a pacemaker kind of a thought flashed suggesting me to believe in the one whose existence was questioned by me as I had not seen or felt him. I chose to believe him as I was a failure believing myself and that was the only justification available for an atheist to turn into a so called theist.
We have always felt that bi-party politics are outdated and each party squanders when they get a chance. That’s when the third party, gets a chance to prove its worth as people are fed up with the other two and have not received anything from them till then. The third party behaving like their predecessors would not affect the people as they are used to such a feeling but if they do something good, it’s a bonus for the people. I was no different in choosing to go with a stranger, who most of them addressed as “God”.
I have always asked for a cause and effect for whatever I do and god was also such a concept for me. It was always “Feel to believe” and during the 2 minutes I spent introspecting I altered my policy to “Believe to feel”.
What was that for me? An Aahaa factor or a paradigm shift or was it a kind of metamorphosis. I shall leave it to “God” to decide what it is but I consider the shift for the good.
I began praying and talking to the unknown citizen of this very fine world and enjoyed feeling the positive changes in me. Who was I talking to? Am I a person with acute schizophrenia talking to a person whom I have never seen before? I call it god at the moment and I termed it pep up talk when I was an atheist. Which one is true? I shall leave it to “God” to decide it whether mine is a repeat of the story of the “beautiful mind”.
I started tasting success, felt confident, developed humility and started regaining most of my lost traits. Was this because I transferred all my responsibilities to a porter called god to carry it or was that an external confidence booster whom I termed as God? I shall leave it to “God” to decide what it was and anyways, I enjoy being successful and being my natural self to others and myself.
I never attributed my success to god till 17, after that gave credits for the ups and downs to myself and now I feel it’s not me but “God” who is responsible for most of the successes which have become a major portion of my life. Was my success coinciding with my prayers and the credit for the success which was bound to come due to my efforts was given to the so called powerful verses. I definitely have no answer for this question but I feel really relieved when I pray and talk to the one I call “God”. A minute of prayer silences my mind, clears the clutter in the thought process and lets me perform to the fullest.
Too many questions are still dwelling and I shall delve to justify my stand. I presently feel, something is above me, I call him “God” as I don’t feel like giving him a new name, some call him hope, my former self calls him a false identity, some call him their friend, others call him love and the battle of thoughts is still on.
Search for him will continue as the feel of him is due.
Who is God? God knows who “God is” and I shall know him soon.